Breakaway News Volume No. 19 Issue No. 7 July 2014

Villain Foiled! 

Technology is so cool sometimes. Courier D963 had his tablet stolen from a Manhattan public restroom. Fortunately, his tablet was loaded with Breakaway’s mobile app.  Back at the office, our Dispatchers created a task force, working together to trace the perpetrator using our map program. The thief was followed from Worth Street all the way to Liberty Street & Broadway. When our messenger finally caught up to “Sticky Fingers,” he tried to deny that he was hiding the tablet. So we sent a pickup order to the tablet and it rang! Busted! Defeated, “Sticky Fingers” returned the tablet to our victorious courier.

 Insert Segue Here 

Speaking of the Mobile App, you can use it to place an order from anywhere, any time. Case in point: we got on the bus back home when we realized that we’d forgotten our keys. We used our Breakaway app  to place an order from the bus, and the keys beat us home! Download “hyperSHIP” from Google Play or the Apple app store. 

Soccer Slowdown 

We’ve noticed a distinct drop in business during the two hours when any World Cup match is played. Coincidentally, the neighborhood watering holes seem to have a concurrent rise in business.  What could be causing this phenomenon? 

Seeing Jaune 

Yet again, it’s July, which means fireworks, barbecues (see below) and the Tour de France! Naturally, we’re big fans over here, but this year, the greatest cycling race in history faces stiff competition from the 2014 World Cup in Brazil. The heads of international sports fans must be spinning by now!

 Happy Fourth

The day is coming for fireworks, barbecues, and celebrating all the things that make these United States great. Breakaway wants to wish all our customers a happy and safe Fourth of July weekend. Didn’t get the hibachi you needed for the barbecue? Give us a call (or place your order by mobile app) and let us deliver it for you.

     Episodic Melodic

 Is this another newsletter? Or is this another installment in the continuing saga of, “As the Bicycle Wheel Turns?” It could be; we’re all dramatic enough! Don’t believe us? Try watching a few episodes of “Triple Rush” on the Travel Channel online to see for yourself.

Stump the Band

Last month, we asked what the colors in the Gay Pride flag stand for. Answer: Pink: sexuality; red: life; orange: healing; yellow: sunlight; green: nature; turquoise: magic/art; indigo/blue: serenity/harmony; violet: spirit.

 T-Shirt Question

 In the world these creatures inhabit, they are known variously as half-lop, lop, or uppy-eared. What are we referring to? The first one to call Gil Ortiz with the correct answer will win a coveted Breakaway T-shirt.

Breakaway News Volume No. 19 Issue No. 6 June 2014

Make Tracks

As of this writing, 75% of our couriers have updated to our mobile app, Hypership, and can now be tracked via GPS. We’re hoping to get 100% of our couriers on the system within the next 90 days. Of course, this may exclude the 5% of our crew who are Luddites, and won’t part with their pagers, first gen Nokias, and tin cans and strings.

  Hyperbole

Speaking of Hypership, version 1.56 is now available for download at Google Play or the iTunes Store. It’s been updated to address a variety of issues, and has new features, including being able to track your item via GPS. Visit our website (breakawaycourier.com) to download the app for iPhone or Android.

  Memories

This month, we’ll celebrate Breakaway’s 26th anniversary.   It’s a far different world than it was all those years ago, when we started in a one-room office down in Chinatown! Thank you to all our customers who have made this a fun and memorable business, career, and life.

Go Blueshirts!

We were just getting ready to put this issue of Breakaway News to bed when we learned that the New York Rangers would be going head-to -head with the L.A. Kings for the Stanley Cup. It’s been 20 years since they’ve been in the championships (their 1994 victory over the Vancouver Canucks broke a 54-year losing streak).  Congratulations to the Rangers, let’s go get that Cup!

 Father’s Day

 May was Mom’s month, and of course, ladies are first, but now that special day is coming up for the other half of the duo that brought you into existence: your dad. Undoubtedly, it will be a more “manly” affair marked with barbecues and bad ties, but we still want to wish a happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there. Call us and we’ll deliver the hibachi.

Pride in the City

June has been officially declared LGBT Pride month by President Obama, and if one thing is certain, this city has the wackiest, noisiest, most colorful pride parade going! Happy Pride Month to all our customers who are celebrating.

Stump the Band

Last month, we asked what was always held on the first Saturday of May since 1875. We also hinted that it was down south. Answer: The Kentucky Derby.

T-Shirt Question

It’ll be displayed prominently during June, but what do the colors of the rainbow flag actually represent? The first one to call Gil Ortiz with the correct answer will win a coveted Breakaway T-shirt.

Breakaway News Volume No. 19 Issue No. 5 May 2014

May Flowers

They say that April showers bring May flowers. What did it bring us in the burg? A lot of post-winter cold that we could do without! Our couriers are totally confused as to what to wear! But, they still look stylish, even if they are cold, wet, and freezing to death.

  Rolled Out

GPS tracking is now available on almost all of our couriers! We recently deployed tablets to all of our messengers, enabling them to work smarter, and for us, and you, to track them online. Now, you don’t have to call to find out where a messenger is, you can go onto breakawaycourier.com and see! We have seen Big Brother, and he is us.

 Memorial Day

Memorial Day is May 26th, so let’s all take a break from our cookouts and beach vacations to remember and thank all those who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom.   

Pay Up!

How often does this happen? You wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, panic stricken, with the realization that you haven’t paid your Breakaway bill. What? It never happens? Well, if it does, you can pay your bill online, day or night, 24/7!
Visit breakawaycourier.com to give it a try.

 Bulking Up

 Are you the type of person that is so hyper-organized, that you put Brother P-touch labels on everything? Alphabetize your pastas? Love spreadsheets? Then bulk ordering is for you. If you have more than 10 items going out, simply e-mail us a spreadsheet of where they’re all going, and we’ll take it from there. One more way Breakaway excels! Get it…excel…

Mother’s Day

You know Mom was there for you all the time, from skinned knees to disappointing dates, to bringing your laundry home for her to do while you were at college. Come to think of it, why couldn’t you do your own laundry?! Anyway, the point is that Mom’s special day is coming, and you should call her. Or, use Breakaway to send her a lovely gift. Do not call us to send her more of your laundry

Muchas Fiestas!

It wouldn’t be May in Gotham without that most American of holidays, Cinco de Mayo. The date when native Mexicans defeated French invaders at the Battle of Puebla is celebrated here because…um…well, to drink obviously! Have a wonderful Cinco de Mayo, and be careful with your poison of choice.

Stump the Band

Last month, we asked what it was that the Dutch had done to soup up a bicycle to make it faster. Answer: The Whike, a tricycle that is coupled with a sail and which can do 50 mph on the flat roads of Holland.

T-Shirt Question

 It’s always on the first Saturday in May, and has been held down south since 1875. What is it? The first one to call Gil Ortiz with the correct answer will win a coveted Breakaway T-shirt.

Breakaway News Volume No. 19 Issue No. 4 April 2014

Happy Easter

 It’s time to break out the Easter bonnets, get ready to dye and hide some eggs, and perhaps enjoy a choral work or two. Easter falls on the 20th this month, and we wish all our customers a Happy Easter Sunday.

   Nothing Doing

This is Breakaway’s paragraph about nothing! How many different ways can you express nothing? As in zero, nada, nil, nunca, zilch, bupkus, a big ol’ goose egg, naught, and, finally, good ol’ fashioned squat.

   Fool Me Once…

This month is also the month for hijinks, practical jokes, and all sorts of crazy shenanigans. If you’re the office’s resident jokester, and you find yourself low on whoopee cushions and joy buzzers, be sure to call Breakaway. We can deliver all the items you need to keep yourself the office cut-up. Just don’t blame us if you get fired.

 Our New Racer

 Breakaway hires a lot of couriers from the west coast of Africa, but few go on to do what   M524, Nun Manhe, is doing. He just got his bicycle racing license, and he’s training hard every morning. His first scheduled race is on April 5th. Good luck!

That’s Cheating!

 We are big fans of the CitiBike program in NYC. Now, one crazy startup has created an electric motor that can attach to a CitiBike for those less inclined to pedal. The Shareroller will weigh about 7 lbs., and will ease the strain of pedaling. Only problem; it’s illegal, as the city outlawed electric bicycles. It’s also cheating, you have to carry it with you, and it identifies you as a big wussy.

 App-arently Works!

  More and more, apps seem to be the way people do things in this world. Now, we’re getting    in on the act. Download the hyperSHIP app from the Google Play or iTunes store, enter the  code, “bway,” and then use your existing online log-in. It’s that easy. Online, and now on your  smart phone; Breakaway is everywhere!

 From the Field

 Breakaway managing editor and Newsletter writer has been writing this edition  from the Island of Enchantment, Puerto Rico. He informs us that the weather is fantastic, that there is no snow anywhere, and that the temperature has been a consistent 70 – 80 degrees. Naturally, he’s going to be our first April Fool’s victim when he gets back.

 Stump the Band

Last month, we asked how the Moscow metro was honoring the Sochi Olympic games. Answer: They would let you ride the metro free, if you could perform thirty squats.

 T-Shirt Question

 People have often souped bicycles up with things to make them faster, but the Dutch came up with an original one recently. What is it? The first one to call Gil Ortiz with the correct answer will win a coveted Breakaway T-shirt.

Breakaway News Volume No. 19 Issue No. 3 March 2014

Blarney Carnie 

March is here, so it’s time for the annual St. Patrick’s Day parade. This year, the holiday falls on a Monday, so plan your deliveries accordingly, bearing in mind that cutting through the parade route isn’t easy. Especially while dodging leprechauns and flying mugs of green beer!

 Ice Ice Maybe!

Apparently the Sochi Olympics should have been called the So Warm Olympics, with temperatures climbing into the 60's over there. Had the Olympics been held here, they’d have had plenty of snow! Next time, make sure conditions are right, IOC!

 Tech Rollout

   It’s happening. We’ve been adding more GPS devices to our messengers. No, not by surgical   implantation! Soon, you’ll be able to order and track the progress of your delivery online. 

 Last Mile in Style

You secured the big contract for you and your firm. You managed to arrange for the merchandise to be delivered from England to the States, no problem. It’s sitting in the warehouse at JFK. Now what? Call us, that’s what! We offer “Last Mile” delivery and logistics services. We’ll deal with getting the delivery into the right hands, leaving you free to collect the accolades you worked hard for.

 Street Glaciers

 One effect of all the snow we’ve had, despite not hosting an Olympics, is huge ice floes on the sidewalk. Breakaway office stalwarts Gil and Maria have both slipped and fell on the streetbergs. Both are okay, but we’re going to start issuing crampons to all our employees.

 The Madness Begins

It’s coming. The insanity. The screaming. The attention deficit disorder induced by television overdose. We’re talking, of course, about the annual event known as March Madness, a/k/a college basketball. Those of us in the office who don’t give a hoot about it have already ordered our earplugs. Have at it, b-ball fans!

 From the Field

 Intrepid Breakaway employee Asher is typical of our couriers and staff: gonzo. She works remotely, and was, until recently, working in Ukraine, in the Crimea. As of this writing, she is now safely in Budapest, having traveled from Crimea through Kiev to get there (she even found time to walk around Kiev and take in a movie!). In her own words, “Not a very uplifting place to be at the moment, to say the least.”

 Stump the Band

Last month, we asked when the coldest ever Super Bowl was. Answer: Super Bowl VI, which took place in Louisiana. The temperature was 43 degrees that game.

 T-Shirt Question

 Moscow authorities came up with a unique way of honoring the Sochi games in the city’s Metro system. What was it? The first one to call Gil Ortiz with the correct answer will win a coveted Breakaway T-shirt.

Breakaway News Volume No. 19 Issue No. 2 February 2014

Snow Grind

This winter is the big story this newsletter. We haven’t seen this much snow since 1992, and the cold temperatures have been record setting, thanks to the Polar Vortex. The snow has been so bad that many of our messengers opted to walk rather than bicycle, just for safety. This makes our times slower, so we thank you for your patience and understanding.

  Lost His Bloom

Never know who’s going to come and apply for a courier position. We just had the most interesting old guy apply today. Kind of short, nasally voice, and not very athletic looking, but he did have the most incredible $10,000 bicycle, a retinue of helpers, and wingtip bicycle shoes. Wonder how many packages he’ll deliver on his first day?

 It’s a Sign

 How do you know for sure that there’s a new mayor in town? The New York Times knows. They point out that the signs in New York city are being changed for the first time in twelve years; signs proclaiming Bloomberg mayor are coming down, and signs with De Blasio’s name are going up. Now, as you drive in, you’ll know exactly who to blame for your pothole damaged suspension.

Tail This! 

So you’re going to have your own Super Bowl party, and you need tons of supplies and paraphernalia. What can you do to get it all to you? Order a truck from Breakaway, of course. We have everything from simple cube trucks to lift-gate trucks capable of moving an entire team. Of course, if you’re ordering the lift-gate for your party, we’re going to want to be there!

 Street Party

 By the time you read this, the Super Bowl will have already been decided. What won’t have been decided is what to do with all the trash generated by having the Super Bowl Times Square party. As of this writing, workers are setting up Times Square and the pedestrian mall below it for the big NYC bash. Here’s to a great Super Bowl and a successful street party.

 Love in the Cold Air

 Of course, the Super Bowl isn’t the only game in town. A lot of people in our fair burg are also playing the game of love. Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and that means flowers, chocolates, and possibly tickets for a show. Remember, you can always count on us to get any of these items to you, whether you order online or over the phone.

 Stump the Band

 Last month, we wanted to know what federal act MLK Day is governed by as a floating holiday.  Answer: The Uniform Monday Holiday Act.

 T-Shirt Question

 Meteorologists are predicting that this may be the coldest Super Bowl ever. When was the previous coldest ever Super Bowl? The first one to call Gil Ortiz with the correct answer will win a coveted Breakaway T-shirt.

Breakaway News Volume No. 19 Issue No. 1 January 2014

Happy New Year!

Another year has come and gone, and another year of growth at Breakaway Courier is in the books. We’re at a new headquarters location, we offer more services than ever, you can do more with us online than ever before, and finally, we think 2014 is going to be our biggest year ever. To all of our loyal customers, thank you. We couldn’t have done it without you. Have a wonderful New Year!

Big Fish Story

It was like a Christmas miracle. Two months ago, one of our Bullet Cargo bicycles was stolen. But just before the holidays, our messenger JT spotted it outside a fish market on 98th and Amsterdam. Fearless leader RK sprang into action, riding up there, and staying with it until trucker AG came by to take it away. A happy ending all around! Except now our cargo bay smells like fish. No, really, the entire cargo bay smells like fish.

MLK Day

He made it possible for many people in this country to enjoy their liberties as much as anyone else, and paved the way for the USA’s first black president. So, it’s only proper that we celebrate a day in rememberance. Breakaway wants to wish everyone a happy Martin Luther King Day, which, this year is on January 20th.

Brown Frown

This Christmas season, we saw a fifty percent spike in our volume, with orders coming in fast as a winter snowfall. Still, we completed our deliveries on time; unlike UPS and FedEx, both of whom became so mired in backorders, they missed delivery deadlines. Apparently they’re brown because their name is mud. Next time call Breakaway. You know our name. Look up the number.

Tablet Rollout

It’s starting this month, and if all goes smoothly, everything will be completed by the spring. Soon, our couriers will be equipped with tablets that will be able to A) capture your signature electronically and ii) allow our customers to track their courier via GPS. Another reason to conduct your business with us via the Web.

Super Headache

As all our football obsessed fans already know, the Superbowl this year is going to be at Giant Stadium. However, all the pre-bowl festivities are going to be here on this side of the river, in Manhattan. We’re bracing ourselves, because said pre-bowl press, party, etc are going to be a stone’s throw away from Breakaway HQ. Pass the earplugs.

Stump the Band

 Last month, we asked for the two diagnoses for which methamphetamine is legally prescribed to patients. It is legally prescribed under the trade name Desoxyn for the treatment of exogenous obesity and ADHD.

T-Shirt Question

 MLK Day is what is known as a floating holiday. This is in accord with what federal act? The first one to call Gil Ortiz with the correct answer will win a coveted Breakaway T-shirt.

Breakaway News Volume No. 18 Issue No. 12 December 2013

Happy Holidays!

Well, the holidays are just rolling right along. No time to clean up  after the Big Turkey Chowdown; it's time to prepare for the next big event! If you're planning a Christmas shindig, be sure to use Breakaway to get all your items delivered. Our magic sleighs are standing by. We know, they look like cyclists and vehicles, but use your imagination.

 P.O. Box Epilogue

After this month, the blood-curdling and catastrophic event we have been predicting all along will finally come to pass. No, not another season of the Kardashians. We mean the closing of our P.O. Box, where we used to receive all our remittances. Henceforth, please forward all remittances to our street address: 444 W 36th St., NY, NY 10018-6344. We appreciate your cooperation.

Getting Traction?

“Traction” is a Wall Street buzzword referring to the ability of an idea or product to take hold of the market. Well, the nascent trend seems to be the big boys losing traction. Songstress Adele turned down $19 million to be the face of L'Oreal, saying she didn't want her name near another brand. And the guys who founded parent nightmare Snapchat turned down a $3 billion (yes, with a 'B') buyout offer. I guess traction isn't what it used to be. Know who has plenty of traction? Our messengers, that's who.

Big, Open Secret

We go on a lot about our love of cycling, and the glory days of careening through the city streets on two wheels, yada, yada, yada. Let’s not forget, however, that we also do plenty of vehicle deliveries in everything from vans to lift-gate trucks. Call our trucking department and see what they can move for you.

Snoopless Service

If information is the new currency, then the NSA is swimming in it. Tapping into all the world’s data and communications, they’ve even gone so far as to build a truly mammoth data collection center able to hold exabytes (or more) of data collected from cyber snooping. How to send data privately? Via one of our messengers, of course. We’re the last bastion of secure data transfer, and we promise not to look.

Breaking Away Bad

Breaking Bad has ended, drawing to a close the tale of an American meth king. This begs the question, what's Bryan Cranston going to do next? Hey, Bryan, we've got openings, and plenty of deliveries to do! Hop to it!

Stump the Band

Last month, we asked for the derivation of the name, “Ichabod.” Answer: Ichabod comes from the Book of Samuel, the name being a reference to the capture of the Ark by the Philistines.

T-Shirt Question

“Breaking Bad” has ended, but meth remains a huge problem in the United States and elsewhere. It does have a legal use, however. For what two diagnoses is methamphetamine legally prescribed? The first one to call Gil Ortiz with the correct answer will win a coveted Breakaway T-shirt.

Breakaway News Volume No. 18 Issue No. 11 November 2013

Thanks!

Tradition is coming once again, in the form of a giant roasted bird, candied yams, mounds of stuffing, and tons of veggies. It's Thanksgiving, so we'd like to say thank you to all the loyal customers who have made Breakaway the company it is today. Thank you. Now, pass that drumstick, will ya?

  PO Box

Normally, we're very reserved and humble when writing the Newsletter. But, the matter of the P.O. Box closing is a bit urgent. So, here goes: FER GOSSAKES STOP SENDING MAIL TO THE PO BOX!! THE FATE OF HUMANITY DEPENDS ON IT!! IF YOU SEND MAIL TO THE PO BOX, APOCALYPTIC UPHEAVALS WILL OCCUR!! THE SKY WILL TURN PURPLE!! WE'LL GET A NASTY HANGNAIL!! SEND ALL REMITTANCES TO OUR STREET ADDRESS OR WE'LL ALL DIE!!! Thank you for your cooperation. 

 GPS OMG

 We pride ourselves on being at the cutting edge at Breakaway. Which is why we're giving you something to obsessively click over besides Facebook. By the end of the year, all of our messengers will be GPS trackable. You will be able to see the progress of your order online in real time. Stay tuned for details.

 Smart Signatures

 We're also almost ready with our smart phone signature roll-out. Soon, all Proofs of Delivery will be captured electronically. This would have happened sooner, had we known the difference between a programmer and an iPhone programmer. The latter was brilliant, smelled like pumpkin spice, had a voice like a harpsichord, and made everything immeasurably better through mere touch. The former worked on the Obamacare website roll-out. Need we say more?

Awesome Article

When writing the newsletter, oftentimes we're forced to embargo articles because of lack of space, or because there are more urgent issues we need to get out. Usually, we just save embargoed ideas until next time, and we had a really great one ready to go this month. It was brilliant, but we can't remember what it was. Take our word for it, though. It was hilarious.

Pumpkin Allspice

Ahh, the fall season, when the smell of pumpkin spice wafts from the bakery. And the Starbucks. And the local coffee shop. And the Whole Foods. And the flower shop. And the pharmacy. And the gas station. Enough with the pumpkin spice already! We get it, it's delicious, but really, this is overkill! After all that, how is anyone supposed to enjoy our pumpkin spiced messengers?

Stump the Band

Last month, we asked you to name the architect and designer of the George Washington Bridge. Answer:  Othmar Amman was chief engineer, and Cass Gilbert was the architect.

 T-Shirt Question

Sleepy Hollow has been transformed from a legend into a hit television show by Fox. Both the short story and the TV show feature Ichabod Crane as the main character. What is the origin of the name, “Ichabod? The first one to call Gil Ortiz with the correct answer will win a coveted Breakaway T-shirt.

Breakaway News Volume No. 18 Issue No. 10 October 2013

Halloween Scene

Make sure you have plenty of floss, stock up on toothpaste, and put the dentist on speed dial, because Halloween is coming. You can do your part to generate cavities and to keep your dental hygienist in business by having your supply of scary goodness delivered by Breakaway, either by the bag or lift-gate truck. Toothpaste not included.

A-Salted

They’re armed and dangerous…well, they’re armed anyway. Yes, the office staff at Breakaway has a new weapon in the fight against annoying flying insects; the Bug-A-Salt, a gun that shoots particles of salt, knocking the little pests out of the air. Astoundingly, the background check for this a-salt weapon is minimal. And what it can do for fries!

Uniformity

All our messengers will soon be appearing in uniform. If a messenger comes to your door out of uniform, call us and let us know. You’ll win a t-shirt for exposing him, and we’ll be sure to punish the messenger severely. Probably by sending him to a Miley Cyrus concert. On the other hand, that’s too harsh. We’ll just send him home to change.

Sig Capture

Breakaway will be introducing electronic signature capture in the coming year. For the time being, we’ll capture them the old fashioned way; a bear trap and a manifest.

Elevator Talk

Father talking to his son, “Because she was here first. Also, they’re going to push us to the back of the line every time you pick your nose.”

Some of the titillating conversation overheard by our couriers every day.

Change of Address

Automation is wonderful, but sometimes it leads to problems. Please be aware that we are phasing out our PO Box, so please don’t send any remittance or other correspondence  there.   Our new remittance address is:

444 W 36th St
New York, NY, 10018-6344

Please make the appropriate changes in your accounting software.

Moon Harvest

What is our favorite app to date? Phases of the Moon. Now we can tell you authoritatively that the next full moon will be on October the 18th at 5:59pm. Our celestial companion will be 388,291 km away.

Stump the Band

Last month we asked which baseball player had entered the rare 4000 runs club. Sharp-eyed customers quickly pointed out that no player has racked up 4000 runs; what we wanted to ask was who recently joined the rare 4000 hits club. Answer: Ichiro Suzuki.

T-Shirt Question

It’s a very little known neighborhood, but of course, no nabe is too great or small for us. Where is Vinegar Hill Corner? The first person to call Gil Ortiz with the correct answer will win a coveted Breakaway T-shirt.